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| Jonathan is working for Circuit City until they close his store down. Anybody have any open entry- to somewhat experienced- technical/admin positions to fill? | | |
| Is it a miraculous luxury to have more than a couple weeks to get one's house in order? I know going unexpectedly and suddenly is definitely a tragedy. I mean, most people don't live their lives in a way that their whole history is even known enough to have become a matter of public knowledge--and not just rumors either, or what people see and hear, but to know the person's motivations, hurts, everything inside, from their own words and from what the people closest to them think. To glean as close to truth as possible, the truth that comes only in glimpses through the people who knew them, and even the people themselves, individually, but comes close as you're able to compare what the accounts say. Like trying to figure out what far-off unfamiliar place is like by asking different people who've been there what they know and comparing, slowly building a picture that's kinda like truth.
Reminds of the Speaker for the Dead, a.k.a. Ender Wiggin, from author Orson Scott Card. To reveal the truth of a life that has passed, to connect a point into the billions of points in the connect-the-dots of life, past, present, and future. Because there is no meaning to your life that you did not put there in the first place, by your thoughts, your deeds, and your interaction with the world.
This is not yet for me, but I put it here for when I do:
Posted by Jonathan on Saturday, August 19, 2006 at 9:57 PM
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| 1st off, I'm fucktastically exhausted. And I have to step out real quick, so just jotting down.
-3 hours sleep, bringing me to about 12 hours short since three weeks ago
-kickass day
-chill volunteer time serving up beer
-got to do tofu eating contest (forget for now that I barely finished half when last year's (this year's too?) champion finished)
-saw a porn star, an infamous one at that (Tracy Lords, late 70s to 80s, worked even before she was 18, one of few porn stars who broke out of porn background, doing an old SciFi channel alien invasion show a couple years back. She was one of the best in her day, even if it's just my opinion ;) )
-finally visited Little Tokyo/that part of downtown (amazing how I keep going around north of City Hall, but not much ever below)
-cute asian girls *tears of joy, tears of longing*
-didn't pay a cent (except for the atm charge, damn). Thanks Hannah for complementing what little tofu I managed to down at the contest with a few other items.
-tofu festival, already pretty busy and tiring, squeezed between 3 hours sleep, mass, and library work, with only driving time in between, churning out a fucktastic fungasm of activity from going to sleep at 5am to leaving the library at 10pm.
*pop* i fall asleep.
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| yup, cutting back on sleep and slogging through work did the trick. at least i'm back to feeling laid back and irresponsible, instead of self-beating and untargeted pissed. show me the ladies!
ack...after i sleep. i still got tired in the list and a bit of cynicism left.
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| I guess I'm a masochist after all. So most of the times in my life I ever went through depressed periods, from a few days to a few weeks, while it may not have been the cause, I can definitely associate feeling turned down by a girl I was crushing on with the beginning. Is it the trigger that keeps firing the rest of the stress I build up, the bullet, into my heart? Could be. Don't worry, I wouldn't be writing this if the current bullet wound hurt real bad. This time around, I was wearing a vest. Barely a bruise. Otherwise, I'd either be on the brink and darkly cynical on here, or I'd be gone while I brood and bitch and moan. It probably won't ever be so bad that my response gets permanent. *That* wouldn't be stuff of comedy, after all.
So, if I associate rejection by a girl I like with the start of bouts of depression (not as the main cause, but at least a stimulus), why do I push a series of conversations that's been going peachy-keen to the point where the issue of her boyfriend, if existent, gets brought up? Why can't I just use my fairly developed conversational skill to steer to lighter, fun topics not involving significant others, dating, whatever? *Sigh*.
Then again, I realize I can look at the positive sides of this. It's not a bad thing that I find out a girl is already involved. Partly, I've got a good eye for girls who I would be surprised are not already taken in by some deserving (hopefully) dude. It'd also be a good thing to not preoccupy myself with the illusion, the ignorance, of a nice girl's status when I could be directing my massive array of magnificent charm at girls who'd actually be free to date and see just how awesome I am. That felt like sarcasm actually, and sorry to insert that bit of pessimism. A really positive point though: if I can have great conversations with girls who were actually involved, then maybe I can have great conversations with girls who aren't. Too bad I'm so shallow I'd like them to be girls I'm already attracted to. Damn it, fool, keep the negative thoughts out...
...get those shields back up. Keep talking like this and ppl will think you're a sensitive pansy too weak to do anything about it.
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